(ALL YELLING)
You can't round us up like cattle!
Where's Stuart?
He peeled off back at the crick.
I got myself a stray. Yee-haw!
I don't care how much work we have to do.
I am not going to miss the oscars tonight.
You know, I find the oscars to be an empty competition
completely devoid of artistic integrity.
Stuart?
Are you still angry that the prince of tides got snubbed?
Babs deserved better. And to prove my point,
I bet none of you can remember what won last year.
Titanic. Titanic. Titanic.
My great Uncle had a ticket on the Titanic, actually.
Last second he decided not to go on.
Wow. Lucky guy.
No... no. On the way home he got hit by a milk truck.
If only he'd gotten on that damn boat.
Yah! Yah! Giddup! Giddup!
Hey, Mike. Come on, tell us.
Did you cry when you saw Titanic?
I never saw Titanic.
That's not my type of movie.
(MUSIC FROM Titanic PLAYS)
I'm the deputy mayor of the world!
Next week is the mayor's black tie reception for the city's diplomatic corps.
This is a major event, and invitations are hard to come by.
Somebody ask me why.
What?
Close enough.
They're hard to come by because...
They're in these boxes.
And we're going to stay here till we stuff and stamp
all 3,000 envelopes.
All right. Which one of these major jugheads cost me my Sunday?
What would you like me to do, Stacy?
Would you like me to take that person aside and tell them in private
or would you like me to spill it in front of the whole big group?
Big group! Big group!
It was you, Paul.
All right, you guys. If we work quickly, we can make it to the oscars.
Let's play "guess that movie quote" to pass the time.
Oh, great. Yeah. I'll go first, ok?
(IMITATING BRANDO) What have I done
to make you treat me so disrespectful?
Well, for starters, that impression.
Can we stop screwing around and stuff these envelopes?
Platoon.
We're not playing anymore. The game's over.
Field of dreams.
If you don't shut up, I'm gonna punch you in the stomach.
Uh... Gandhi.
You win, James. You are the king of movie quotes.
Tell him if he keeps yanking us he's gonna find himself on the street.
The man's either with us or against us. Period.
(MAKING BREATHING SOUNDS LIKE DARTH VADER)
Obi Mike has taught you well,
but, Luke, I am your father.
Say you don't want me in that gay pride parade.
Well, I say, deep down,
in places you don't talk about at parties,
you want me on that float.
You need me on that float.
Oh, this is my favorite part.
Sir, we're looking for a simple...
you want answers? I think I'm entitled.
You want answers? I want the truth!
You can't handle the truth!
(IMITATING JAMES BOND) I like my Martinis shaken, not stirred.
Here's one from Al Pacino.
You have a letter of recommendation from Al Pacino?
He's from the neighborhood. My sister fooled around with his mechanic.
She is so lucky.
I loved him in scent of a woman.
Hoo-ah! Yeah...
Hoo-ah! Hoo-ah!
Mike... Proud of ya.
This is what I hear.
I know it sounds silly, but, uh, I grew up without an older brother
and I guess I need someone in my life to look up to.
Mike, you complete me.
James...
You had me at "proud".
Michael Flaherty!
Owen Kincaid! Oh, look at you. I'll tell ya.
Uh, this is like stepping back in time.
The past is prologue, Michael.
Men like us have to keep looking...
To the future.
You... you mean "sad" in a kind of cool way, right?
No, sad in a star trek convention kind of way.
(IMITATING CAPTAIN KIRK) Mike, you need... To explore new worlds.
To... Investigate new experiences.
To boldly go away from the office
for at least... One day.
We're gonna get caught.
Relax, it's Sunday. The mayor won't know squat.
How can you run the biggest city in the world and not have any...
Eureka.
Stuart...
(IN CHOKED VOICE) Smooth.
What is wrong with you?
Carter, if you're going to steal the mayor's scotch,
at least have the decency to use a glass.
Really, Carter.
Mr. mayor, what are you doing here?
Well, I'm the mayor of New York City,
the city that never sleeps. My work is never done.
Just kidding. I left my TV guide.
Hey, you wanna join our office Oscar pool?
- 10 bucks. - Hey, you charged me 20.
You have an advantage. You're the only one who's going to get
the fruity categories like costume design.
Well, that is just...
actually, that's kind of fair.
You know what I'd bet you'd agree with me on, Carter?
They don't make enough movie musicals anymore.
Sir, isn't that sort of a stereotype?
The gay man loves the big musical?
Besides, there hasn't been a decent movie musical
since singing in the rain.
Oh, and my fair lady.
Oh, and Oklahoma is just plain fun.
And West Side story? Let's face it... classic.
Sorry if I offended you.
Hey, there, citizens.
Hey, there... Hey, there...
♪ Hey, there ♪
♪ You, with the stars in your eyes ♪
♪ Love never made... ♪
Sir? What?
Sir, we're live.
And now, here's the mayor.
♪ Da-a-a-a-a-ay... oh ♪
♪ Day-ay-ay-yo ♪
(SOUNDLESSLY MOUTHING)
Sir, there's something wrong with my Mike.
♪ Come, Mr. tally man, tally me bananas ♪
♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home ♪
♪ 6-foot, 7-foot, 8-foot ♪
Ah!
♪ Daylight come and me wanna go home ♪
So, why don't ya?
(SINGING OFF-KEY) ♪ bill Bailey won't ya please come ♪
♪ Bill Bailey won't ya please come ♪
♪ Bill Bailey won't ya ♪
♪ Please... Come... ♪
♪ Ho-o-o-o-ome ♪
Thank you. We'll be in touch.
Good luck following that, junior.
So, where ya from?
Uh... The office.
And what do you do?
I'm your speech writer.
I mean here.
What are you gonna do for us here?
I'm gonna be singing Danny boy. (EXHALES)
(IN BEAUTIFUL TENOR) ♪ oh, Danny boy ♪
♪ The pipes, the pipes are callin' ♪
♪ From Glen to Glen ♪
♪ And down the mountainside ♪
♪ 'Tis I'll be there in sunshine ♪
♪ Or in shadow ♪
♪ Oh, Danny boy, oh, Danny boy ♪
♪ I love you so-o-o-o-o-o-o ♪
Well, you gave it your best shot, kid.
Ok, I hold in my hand the last of the envelopes.
(ALL CHEER)
If you would lick this.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm not falling for that again.
James, all you.
I'm sorry. I've got nothing left.
Have a little shot of lemonade.
Thanks, man.
Ah! Oh, God, paper cuts on the tongue!
A-a-a-a-a-all righty, then.
There we go. We are outta here.
Yes! Yeah!
Paul, come on. We're free to go.
Oh, I'm not in a hurry.
See, tonight is chore night at the lassiter house.
Tonight I do the dishes, take out the garbage,
make love to Claudia.
Paul, what are you talking about?
No, it's true.
I have to take out the garbage.
You've only been married a year
and you're already so blase about sex?
I remember when you first were with Claudia.
You sure did sing a different tune.
(SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER MUSIC PLAYS)
♪ Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk ♪
♪ I'm a woman's man, no time to talk ♪
♪ Music loud and women warm ♪
♪ I've been kicked around since I was born ♪
♪ And now it's all right, I'm ok ♪
♪ You may look the other way ♪
♪ We can try to understand ♪
♪ The New York times' effect on man ♪
Whoa-ho, hey, hey, where's everyone going?
I haven't turned in my Oscar ballot yet.
Oh, you voted for tom Hanks, sir.
Yes.
In every category.
I like tom Hanks.
Where are the the ballots?
They're on top of those things.
The invitation things that we stuffed inside these envelopes?
All right, let's start cracking these babies open.
(MOANS AND GROANS)
What's the big deal? A few diplomats
get an Oscar ballot in their invitation.
What's the big deal?
A couple of diplomats, a couple of ambassadors, the archbishop.
Stuart, who'd you vote for best picture?
Write-in vote.
Sperms of endearment.
It's also my pick for best skin-ematography.
Unbelievable. Stuart... You idiot!
What?
Come on, guys. Aren't you even gonna help me?
No, Paul. You must suffer.
Stacy, could I at least have a letter opener?
Sure.
You want it in the back or between the eyes?
I don't know why we're taking it out on Paul this is Stuart's fault.
Yeah, Stuart.
Does this mean I can stop doing this?
ALL: No!
Well, you know, I think I'm gonna split.
Like I'd ever fall for that.
(MOCKINGLY) Oh-h-h-h-h-h!
Stuff like this actually happens.
I just love slapstick.
Whoa!
Under control.
Open...
Insert...
Lick.
Hey, Stuart? Shhhhhh.
They're resealing the envelopes.
Open...
Insert...
Lick.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Yeah. We're lucky we get free postage.
It must be so dull to be you.
I have experiences. I dated an older woman.
Yeah, you're a real stud, junior.
She had to throw herself at you like some kind of Mrs. Robinson.
Have you ever thought about dating an older woman?
Uh, just once.
Well, 3 times... Charlie's angels.
I don't know what it is, James, but there's something...
something about you. You seem so... so old.
So mature.
Maybe that's because you teach fourth grade.
James...
It's time I took a chance...
ok, I think I should be going.
James, what's wrong? We're just talking.
For Pete's sake, Ms. paterno.
I know what's going on here, ok?
You have me alone in Mike's office,
y-you close the door, you ask me to sit next to you.
So?
Ms. paterno, are you trying to seduce me?
You know what movie I hope wins tonight?
Shakespeare in love.
Chick flick.
I beg to differ.
It's a deftly woven tapestry of fact and fiction,
of love and loss, of jealousy and revenge.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
In short... Chick flick.
Hey. There's nothing better than a good old-fashioned love story.
Lick.
Good morning. Do me a favor.
Let me know as soon as Paul gets in.
Oh, and I need that list of wedding guests
typed up a.S.A.P.
I'm almost done, Mike.
♪ Oh ♪
♪ My love ♪
♪ My darling ♪
♪ I hunger for your touch ♪
♪ A long, lonely time ♪
♪ And time ♪
♪ Goes by ♪
♪ So slowly ♪
♪ And time... ♪
Stacy?
You ok?
Yeah, my... my mind was just wandering.
Oh, I forgot. I gotta make a phone call.
You know, Carter,
why don't you take the rest of the day off?
And do what, Mike?
Oh, I don't know.
(MUSIC PLAYS)
♪ Love lift us up where we belong ♪
♪ Where the eagles cry ♪
♪ On a Mountain high ♪
♪ Love lift us up where we belong ♪
♪ Far from the world below... ♪
(MUSIC PLAYS)
♪ Please don't tell ♪
♪ I never meant to hurt you ♪
♪ Though I didn't wish you well and ♪
♪ Please don't you tell ♪
♪ I don't know what I was thinking ♪
♪ This disease ♪
♪ Brings me to my knees ♪
♪ This disease ♪
♪ Kills me by degrees ♪
♪ Everybody gets what they deserve ♪
♪ But I could be wrong ♪
♪ 'Cause I could never live with me ♪
♪ Before you came along and ♪
♪ You made me whole ♪
♪ You crept in through the window of my soul ♪
♪ This disease... ♪
I was just out walking.
Listen, you're absolutely right...
no... no, about today...
(BOTH TALKING AT ONCE)
♪ ...kills me by degrees ♪
♪ Everybody gets what they deserve ♪
♪ Everybody ♪
♪ Every ♪
♪ Ooooooh ooooooh oooooh oooooh ♪
I can't believe it. We're finally done. We can go home.
Ah, unless Paul screwed up again.
No... no... no, guys. You gotta remember.
We're a team. We gotta trust each other.
I sent Paul home an hour ago.
I couldn't take the chance.
Joan rivers is talking to Molly ringwald,
so I guess we're pretty near the end of the pre-show.
We have just enough time to get home before the oscars start.
Why doesn't everybody stay here and watch in my office?
(ALL TALKING IN AGREEMENT)
Oh, this is really lame.
You realize if I had any friends I'd be out of here.
I'll get some snacks.
I've got the couch. No, you don't.
I've got the chair. Uh-uh.
I've got the floor!
Uh, sir? You in?
Oh, I'm in. We're a team, Mike,
like butch Cassidy and the Sundance kid.
Sir, you realize at the end of that movie
they were both riddled with bullets.
I was thinking of the time that they were...
that they were trapped up on top of that cliff
and they held hands and they jumped off together.
Gimme your hand, Mike.
Because we're a team, right, sir?
Because I'm not a strong swimmer.
CROWD: Jump! Jump! Jump!
(CHEERS)
Oh, no, sir. Once is enough.
Go tom Hanks!
Mike, it's starting.
Mike! Hurry up!
So what if she's a...
Sports illustrated swimsuit edition cover girl?
It's not like walking on the moon.
Mike?
(LOUD BREATHING)
One small step for man...
One giant...
Oh, dear God, thank you.
The eagle has landed.
MAN: Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.
[BARKING]
Moo.